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Social \ Jokes

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cmpa1970
Kudos: 9,119
Mates: 2381
you embarrace me cascada.......
22/02/2008
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Sydney, NSW
MugaHay
Kudos: 5,718
Mates: 364
A little girl and her mother were out and about.

Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"

The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"

Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."

The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"

The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."

The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.

The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."

Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again.

The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."

The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"

The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
22/02/2008
Resident Evil 4
Canberra
MugaHay
Kudos: 5,718
Mates: 364
"Where did you learn that?"

The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."
22/02/2008
Resident Evil 4
Canberra
leeman34
Kudos: 12,454
Mates: 452
Why athletes cannot hold real jobs

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacobi of the 'Skins say: "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said: "To win, I'd run over Joe's Mom, too."

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann, 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh : "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." (now that is beautiful)

Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." And, "You guys pair up in groups of three, then, line up in a circle."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton "

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes."

27/02/2008
Soul Calibur Legends
I am banned for good reason. All hail Guyver
leeman34
Kudos: 12,454
Mates: 452
cont

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (I wonder if his IQ ever hit room temperature in January)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you? Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, "Coach, I don't know and I don't care."

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject."

Amarillo High School and Oiler coach Bum Phillips when asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded: "Because she is too ugly to kiss good-bye." (Dead man walkin' )
27/02/2008
Soul Calibur Legends
I am banned for good reason. All hail Guyver
DonRicho
Kudos: 666
Mates: 23
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger, then it hit me

originals:
a robber was trying to burgle my house, he fell through the bathroom window and landed on the scales, i guess you could say he gave himself a-weigh!

four mexican mathematicians crashed on a mountain, when they got to the bottom only three were left, they forgot to carry the Juan!
27/02/2008
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Stirling, South Australia
SilentOne
Kudos: 2,214
Mates: 167
so far all the jokes ive heard.. are too long.. or arent funny..

haha i liked the old knock knock jokes..

but nowadays its like
Knock Knock !. WHASSUP HOMIE !?
27/02/2008
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Fairfield, NSW, Wakeley, Australia.
Rainbow7
Kudos: 1,436
Mates: 75
A goat walks in to an employment centre, goes up to the counter and says, "I'm looking for a job."
The guy behind the desk says, "Yeah, there's a circus just come into town, I think we might be able to get you a job there."
The goat looks puzzled and says, "A circus? What would a circus want with a bricklayer?"
27/02/2008
Without ME, it's just "AWESO"...
MugaHay
Kudos: 5,718
Mates: 364

SilentOne said: so far all the jokes ive heard.. are too long.. or arent funny..

haha i liked the old knock knock jokes..

but nowadays its like

Knock Knock !. WHASSUP HOMIE !?



Someting liek dis u mean?

Nok Nok, Who Der?

Der. Der Who?

Der ur Momma!!!

-----

Is that something similar? Silly American playground crap.
28/02/2008
Resident Evil 4
Canberra
nonsimia47
Kudos: 943
Mates: 34

Stringbean said:
nonsimia47 said:Someone ask me if im a banana!!!!
Omigod, are you a BANANA?!?!?!




no.

28/02/2008
House of the Dead 2 & 3 Return
USA
WiiGamer95
Kudos: 337
Mates: 16
This was on page one!

Foetoid said: An Irish, and two Aussies, all good mates, are working on building a skycraper and are on the 33rd floor. They all sit down to lunch and are horrified to see they all have vegemite sandwiches for the 14th day in a row and decide that if they get vegemite the next day, they'll jump. So sure enough, next day and all 3 have vegemite sandwiches so they all jump off the building together. At the funeral, the Aussie wives are in tears and deeply sadened by the loss but the irish wife isn't upset. "Aren't you upset that you lost you husband" they ask the irish woman. "How the hell was i supposed to know he doesn't like vegemite, he makes his own damn lunch" she replies.



That's predictable! Get the Irishman to be the idiot! Well, in case you haven't noticed, the Aussies aren't the only people on the website! I, for one, am Irish!
29/02/2008
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Ireland
nonsimia47
Kudos: 943
Mates: 34
WAFFLE! I FOUND IT!

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.

The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''

"No."

The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''

The farmer shot Chuck.
06/03/2008
House of the Dead 2 & 3 Return
USA
Wet_dog
Kudos: 1,962
Mates: 43
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey and orders a drink. While he is drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiards balls, sticks it into his mouth, and to everyone's amazement, somehow swallows it whole!

The bartender screams at the guy, Did you see what your monkey just did?
The guy says, No what?
He just ate the cue ball off my table ... Whole!
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me says the guy. He eats everything in sight.
The little bast#rd.
Sorry I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff. He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and then leaves.

Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar, grabs it, sticks it up its ar#e, pulls it out, and then eats it. The bartender is disgusted.

Did you see what your monkey did just then? He asks the man
No, What? Asks the man.

Well, he just stuck a maraschino cherry up his arse, pulled it out and ate it! said the bartender.
Yeah, that doesn't surprise me, replies the guy. He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures things first
06/03/2008
My opinions are in no way meant for harm, but probably for my own enjoyment!
nonsimia47
Kudos: 943
Mates: 34
"I tried to walk into Target, but I missed."
-Mitch Hedberg
06/03/2008
House of the Dead 2 & 3 Return
USA
Mez
Kudos: 304
Mates: 20
BRAINS FOR SALE:

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."

The moment turned awkward.

Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group,

"It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains because they've actually been used."
06/03/2008
Gold Coast, Queensland, Australia, The Earth, Milky Way, The Universe
magickstar
Kudos: 9,369
Mates: 470
LMAO - good jokes guys!

LOL wet dog that poor monkey!
06/03/2008
. . . . . . .
Rainbow7
Kudos: 1,436
Mates: 75

WiiGamer95 said: That's predictable! Get the Irishman to be the idiot! Well, in case you haven't noticed, the Aussies aren't the only people on the website! I, for one, am Irish!



Well this'll upset you even more:

There were three thieves who always worked together; an Englishman, an Aussie and an Irishman. One night they broke into a house and accidentally set off the alarm, causing the police to arrive. The trio ran out the back door and around the corner, where they came upon a large warehouse, which they decided to hide in. Unfortunately, though, the warehouse was completely empty, with nowhere to hide other than three empty sacks lying on the floor, so the thieves got into one each and lay completely still, hoping the police wouldn't notice them.
The police arrived moments later and, seeing the sacks lying on the floor, decided to investigate.
They kicked the sack the Englishman was hiding in and he went, "Miaow, miaow." The cops decided it was just a bunch of cats, so they moved on.
They kicked the sack the Aussie was hiding in and he went, "Woof, woof." The cops told each other it was just a dog, and moved on.
They kicked the sack the Irishman was hiding in and he went, "Potato, potato."
06/03/2008
Without ME, it's just "AWESO"...
BlakKnight
Kudos: 4,226
Mates: 93

nonsimia47 said: WAFFLE! I FOUND IT!
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.



Processing... Processing... Processing...
LOL program has been found!
it took me a while to get it but it was hilarious!!
06/03/2008
Super Paper Mario
YOU DARE BRING LIGHT INTO MY LAIR!? YOU MUST DIE!!!
leeman34
Kudos: 12,454
Mates: 452
sorry to revive a thread but this made me laugh

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance" says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not. It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says the wife. "Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes" comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.
02/06/2008
Soul Calibur Legends
I am banned for good reason. All hail Guyver
turkey682
Kudos: 1,700
Mates: 129

leeman34 said: sorry to revive a thread but this made me laugh

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance" says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not. It is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says the wife. "Cant you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pouring rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing" replied the drunk.



lol
that was funny
i dnt have any jokes but if i find one ill will share it
02/06/2008
Guitar Hero III
Wollongong, NSW
leeman34
Kudos: 12,454
Mates: 452
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
'Here it is,' she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
14/06/2008
Soul Calibur Legends
I am banned for good reason. All hail Guyver
jofra01
Kudos: 13,999
Mates: 97

leeman34 said: A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.

The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. 'What does it look like?' she finally asked.

The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.'

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

'Here it is,' she said.

The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, 'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."



lol
14/06/2008
Captain Rainbow
New Members Stay Away From Matteh, Bad Influence He Is.
Cascada97
Kudos: 4,397
Mates: 274
Another funny joke!

Charlie and Paul were hunting in the forest. Charlie fell to the ground dead. Paul panicked and decided to call 000. The guy on the line said, "Okay, what's your emergency?" Paul said, "My friend Charlie is dead and I have no idea what to do!". The guy on the line said, "Well, first, make sure he's dead." A shot is heard.

Then, Paul came back and said, "Alright, now what?"
14/06/2008
Mario Kart Wii
*sings* somewhere over the rainbow... well, sydney
dermy
Kudos: 7,313
Mates: 102

Cascada97 said: Another funny joke!

Charlie and Paul were hunting in the forest. Charlie fell to the ground dead. Paul panicked and decided to call 000. The guy on the line said, "Okay, what's your emergency?" Paul said, "My friend Charlie is dead and I have no idea what to do!". The guy on the line said, "Well, first, make sure he's dead." A shot is heard.

Then, Paul came back and said, "Alright, now what?"


I think they did a study, and found that joke to be the funniest joke ever written.
14/06/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Melbourne, Victoria
Kiriplant
Kudos: 3,502
Mates: 60
I don't have any good jokes to share, I don't even hear much lately. But here's one that my brother told me.

A mother has 3 children. One day one of her children asked:
"Mum, why is my name Rose?", the mother said: "Because a rose fell on your head when you were born".
Then the other one asked:
"Mum, why is my name Daisy?", the mother said: "Because a daisy fell on your head when you were born".
Then the last one said:
"aragjghsgjgadjh!" the mother said: "Shut up Fridge!"
14/06/2008
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
Sydney, New South Wales
 
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