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Social \ Jokes

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Sh3ll
Kudos: 197
Mates: 5
A class of five-year old schoolchildren return to the classroom after playing in the playground during their break time.

The teacher says to the first child ''Hello Becky, what have you been doing this Playtime?''

Becky replies ''I have been playing in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher ''if you can spell 'sand' on the blackboard, I will give you a biscuit.''

Becky duly goes and writes 's a n d' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Becky a biscuit.

The teacher then says,''Freddie, what have you been doing in your playtime?''

Freddie replies, ''Playing with Becky in the sand box.''

''Very good,'' says the teacher, ''if you can spell 'box' on the blackboard, I will also give you a biscuit.''

Freddie duly goes and writes 'b o x' on the blackboard.

''Very good,'' says the teacher and gives Freddie a biscuit.

Teacher then says,''Hello Mohammed, have you been playing in the sand box with Becky and Freddie?''

''No,'' replies Mohammed, ''I wanted to, but they would not let me. Every time I went near them they started throwing sand at me, calling me nasty names and asking to see under my jacket in case I had explosives.''

''Oh dear,'' says the teacher, ''that sounds like blatant racial discrimination to me -
I'll tell you what, if you can spell 'blatant racial discrimination' I will give you a biscu
29/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Sydney
FunkyKong
Kudos: 6,835
Mates: 105

dermy said:

Sh3ll said: I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.

Got a call centre in Pakistan .

I told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

PMSL



Are all the jokes you tell going to be tasteless, unfunny, offensive trash?

Give up.



Well... YO MUMMA SO HAIR THE ONLY LANGUAGE SHE SPEAKS IS WOOKIE!!!
29/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Sydney, NSW.
XxmadmanxX
Kudos: 4,924
Mates: 85
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
29/07/2008
Resident Evil 4
Perth
malaka
Kudos: 6,302
Mates: 86
jo wakes up one morning and goes down stairs and askes ms. garret

Jo: Uh, Mrs. Garrett, can I ask you something?
Mrs. Garrett: What is it Jo?
Jo: Um... is it alright if your penis and vagina touch each other?
Mrs. Garrett: What?!
Jo: Yeah, I kinda woke up this morning and they were sort of touching each other.
Mrs. Garrett: You have both?!
Jo: Yeah, doesn't everyone?
Mrs. Garrett: Noooooooo!

lol
30/07/2008
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
[Brawl F/C = 2879-0042-4817] ~ Melb, Vic
XxmadmanxX
Kudos: 4,924
Mates: 85

malaka said: jo wakes up one morning and goes down stairs and askes ms. garret
Jo: Uh, Mrs. Garrett, can I ask you something?
Mrs. Garrett: What is it Jo?
Jo: Um... is it alright if your penis and vagina touch each other?
Mrs. Garrett: What?!
Jo: Yeah, I kinda woke up this morning and they were sort of touching each other.
Mrs. Garrett: You have both?!
Jo: Yeah, doesn't everyone?
Mrs. Garrett: Noooooooo!
lol



lol where have i heard that?
30/07/2008
Resident Evil 4
Perth
malaka
Kudos: 6,302
Mates: 86

XxmadmanxX said:

malaka said: jo wakes up one morning and goes down stairs and askes ms. garret

Jo: Uh, Mrs. Garrett, can I ask you something?

Mrs. Garrett: What is it Jo?

Jo: Um... is it alright if your penis and vagina touch each other?

Mrs. Garrett: What?!

Jo: Yeah, I kinda woke up this morning and they were sort of touching each other.

Mrs. Garrett: You have both?!

Jo: Yeah, doesn't everyone?

Mrs. Garrett: Noooooooo!

lol



lol where have i heard that?



family guy lol
30/07/2008
Super Smash Bros. Brawl
[Brawl F/C = 2879-0042-4817] ~ Melb, Vic
impo
Kudos: 2,381
Mates: 116
It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. At the front door Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

'Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?' he says.

'That''s cool.' says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, 'Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.'

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, 'Whaaaat?'

'Yeah,' says Peggy Sue''s father, 'Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!'

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear as he mentally revises the night's plans. A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, 'Have a good evening, kids!'

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: 'Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!'
30/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Westopolis
FunkyKong
Kudos: 6,835
Mates: 105
Some good jokes.
30/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Sydney, NSW.
impo
Kudos: 2,381
Mates: 116

FunkyKong said:

impo said:

peachgirl said: lol funny! any more?



might, but i gotta think more



They are funny, but you are just copy & pasting.

Notice how whenever you tell the joke the grammar and punctuation is perfect and whenever you type non-joke comments, the grammar isn't.

You are just as good for providing us with found jokes, as making them yourself as long as they are funny, keep it up.

They are funny.



i am copying and pasting, but not the kind you think,
i have a jokes page on microsoft publisher, so ive been copying and pasting from there
30/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Westopolis
BundaH
Kudos: 152
Mates: 6
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
30/07/2008
harden, new south wales
FunkyKong
Kudos: 6,835
Mates: 105

impo said:

FunkyKong said:

impo said:

peachgirl said: lol funny! any more?



might, but i gotta think more



They are funny, but you are just copy & pasting.

Notice how whenever you tell the joke the grammar and punctuation is perfect and whenever you type non-joke comments, the grammar isn't.

You are just as good for providing us with found jokes, as making them yourself as long as they are funny, keep it up.

They are funny.



i am copying and pasting, but not the kind you think,

i have a jokes page on microsoft publisher, so ive been copying and pasting from there



You didn't make them up. I have seen some of them before.
30/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Sydney, NSW.
impo
Kudos: 2,381
Mates: 116
A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.
30/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Westopolis
dermy
Kudos: 7,770
Mates: 106

Sh3ll said: Cant help it if you have no sense of humor


Well, subtle though it may be, I happen to find your taste in jokes very "Family Guy-esk", which to me, is the bottom of the barrel.
30/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Melbourne, Victoria
BundaH
Kudos: 152
Mates: 6
**DONT TAKE OFFENCE**
A blonde, brunette, and red head are on an island, and they want to cross the river to the other island. But they dont know how .. Little do they know, they are standing under a wishing tree. Blonde says "I wish I was 10 times smarter so I could cross the river", she turned into a red head, and swung across A vine. Red head says " I wish I was a hundred times smarter so I could cross the river"
She turns into a Brunette, and builds a raft.
Brunette says "I wish I was a thousand times smarter so I could cross the river."
She turns into a man and crosses the bridge.
30/07/2008
harden, new south wales
impo
Kudos: 2,381
Mates: 116
A state trooper spied a car puttering along at 22 MPH. So he turned on his lights and pulled the driver over. Approaching the car, he noticed that five old guys were inside, and they looked wide-eyed and terribly pale.

The driver pleaded with him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Sir," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous."

"I beg to differ, Officer, I was doing the speed limit exactly: twenty-two miles an hour!" the old man said.

The trooper, chuckling, explained to him that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the man grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out his error.

"But before I let you go, Sir, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car ok? These guys seem awfully shaken."

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute," the old man said. "We just got off Route 119."
30/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Westopolis
impo
Kudos: 2,381
Mates: 116
sorry for double posting, but no ones posting

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.

The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"
30/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Westopolis
Denor
Kudos: 7,800
Mates: 452
A lady was getting onto a bus with her baby. As she was getting on, the bus driver said: "That is the most hideous baby I've seen in my life!" The lady continued to the end of the bus, furious. She sat down next to a man and said "The bus driver just insulted me!" The man replied "Really? Well, you go right up there and tell him off straight away--don't worry, I'll hold your monkey for you!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA!
30/07/2008
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The
I am in your fridge, eating your foodz.
impo
Kudos: 2,381
Mates: 116
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"
30/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Westopolis
Kamon62
Kudos: 2,530
Mates: 60

impo said: An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.
As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"



uh oh! that's not good!
30/07/2008
Sonic The Hedgehog 3
Claiming ownership over Malaka's conscience since 30/8/08!
Denor
Kudos: 7,800
Mates: 452
One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

30/07/2008
Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The
I am in your fridge, eating your foodz.
impo
Kudos: 2,381
Mates: 116
Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."
31/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Westopolis
FunkyKong
Kudos: 6,835
Mates: 105

impo said: An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!" "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me that he thinks you're really cute!"



Damn, that poor, poor man.
31/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Sydney, NSW.
impo
Kudos: 2,381
Mates: 116
Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"
31/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Westopolis
FunkyKong
Kudos: 6,835
Mates: 105

impo said: Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"



Haha, thats a good one. Where did you get it?
31/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Sydney, NSW.
impo
Kudos: 2,381
Mates: 116

FunkyKong said:

impo said: Ol' Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
'
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died.

He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing Fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."

He opened the note, and read out loud, "Hey, you're standing on my oxygen tube?"



Haha, thats a good one. Where did you get it?



in my word document, but i think i might have got it of the net
31/07/2008
Mario Kart Wii
Westopolis
 
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Everyone is...

DinoYoshi: In the Advanced Reading class at school!
wiidude007: Medal please?
renagadez: Happy Father's Day everyone! Have fun today! =]
SilentOne: Didnt end up going to the zoo =[

BUT.. we went to the city :D and STARBUCKS :D
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