Six Leaked Games From Wii Sports Resort

Wii Sports Resort is on the way and it looks to promise a much wider set of games, lending itself to in the slightly less traditional sports instead. Thanks to a number of exchanges of money, sleeping around and whacking that guy who didn't pay Miyamoto his protection bill, we've managed to get details on six of the games in Wii Sports Resort! Totally serious, I swear!

Skimpily Clad Beach Volleyball

While Microsoft may have been accused of stealing with their totally original creation 'Avatars', Nintendo isn't free of crime either. Taking cues from the only other successful sports game set at a resort, Dead or Alive Extreme Beach Volleyball, expect to find half naked women bouncing around on the beach, and also playing Volleyball every so often. The best part is that full Mii support will be in, but Nintendo found merit in having no male characters in Dead or Alive Xtreme Beach Volleyball, so all male Mii's will auto default to bodies with boobs that throw off the Earth's orbit...

Ride On Lawn Mowing

In an effort to appeal to the trailer trash 'Ecks Bawks' loving of the American south, Nintendo R&D have spent months of developing a true lawn mowing simulator, where you'll be able to take a gas guzzling over sized ride on lawn mower and cut the grass of a tiny backyard. Nintendo have spent a lot of time on not only the controls but also the feel of having a giant mechanical ego extension in a tiny yard. At the end of each round you'll spend two hours doing a mindless rebuild of the mowers engine while ignoring your kids development only to find that after 20 hours of play they have a stolen mobile phone and deal pot at school.

Band Groupie

Wii Sports Resort will feature Nintendo WiFi Connection support to link up to a friend playing Wii Music. While your friend busts out hits such as 'London Bridge is Falling Down' and 'Itsy Bitsy Spider' you'll have the super high tech powered ability to bounce around mindlessly in the audience. Along with doing things you never thought you'd do to get back stage and touch fame. Just remember, it's not punk rock.

Business Meeting

Resort hotel conference rooms are the home of business sports. In a surprise move Wii Sports Resort will be supporting the WiiSpeak mic. The game will call for you to sit around not doing very much, not pay attention to anything anyone says and blow constant large amounts of hot air into the mic. The more hot air, the bigger business deals you will break. Climb up the corporate ladder and you'll get the option of my-wife-and-kids-won't-find-out intimacy with your business assistant. Just beware that about two weeks later you'll get served papers for divorce via your MiiMail and have to send half your games back to Nintendo.

Reggenator Kart

While most dismissed Reggie's line 'that's why they call me The Reggenator' as a reference to his nickname and a line to make it seem everyone at Nintendo is best friends, it was actually the first subtle hint to a very casual version of Mario Kart to be included with Wii Sports Resort. Mii Support only works from the neck down though, as regardless of gender all racers will have the face of Reggie mapped to their face. The primary goal is to ram every single Cammie Dunaway you encounter, breaking her wrist and giving Nintendo it's E3 conference material for the next 4 years.

Crank out the money

Of course none of this matters because the moment you put the game disk in your Wii it'll install an update to turn your drive into a money printer. The WiiMotion Plus add on serves as a taser that will zap you eveytime you stop making cranking gestures to print money. From time to time a black van will turn up at your house to pick up the money. Finally this money will be transported back to Japan, and Nintendo will use it to further the world domination plan, once and for all proving that Red Alert 3 is the only correct vision of the future.

Tags: Resort sports Wii

MrWii 29/07/2008

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