"When life gives you AIDS make LemonAIDS"
"I order the club sandwich all the time, but I'm not even a member, man. I don't know how I get away with it."
"I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait.""
"I remixed a remix, it was back to normal."
"My fake plants died, because I did not pretend to water them."
"You know, I'm sick of following my dreams, man. I'm just going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later."
"I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake."
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's like the only disease that you can get yelled at for having. "Dammit, Otto, you're an alcoholic." "Dammit, Otto, you have lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right"
"I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit... Unless you're a table."
All by Mitch Hedberg.